I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
