Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We left the knife in your bed.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
