I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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