After last night, I could never be a politician.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
