You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
