between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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