Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
