I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
