I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
