sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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