Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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