The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
