yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
