i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
