I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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