So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
