Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
