i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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