so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
tell me about the fingering
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