bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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