having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dignity is for republicans.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
