Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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