My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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