at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
