Too much gin, very little bucket
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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