Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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