fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
