I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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