The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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