You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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