The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
