I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
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