We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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