Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I need to align my fucking chakras
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
