Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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