; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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