Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I met the friendliest cop last night
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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