I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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