I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
