Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
time to smoke my breakfast
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
