There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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