I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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