4 words: hood of his car
Fuck appropriateness.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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