does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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