I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
