i jhust puked up my retainher.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
