she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That's intense
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
