Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
