He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
