A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
