god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
