hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
