it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
