Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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