He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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