I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
