I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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