my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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